Epic Perfect World

The Morai Murder Mystery

Offline Johnb823

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Hey everyone, I've been working on a story since the PWI Morai expansion ages ago.  Its a murder mystery that ultimately will be 4 - 5 chapters long, and the chapters will be relatively short. Right now i have two and half of three written. I will post chapter 1 below.  Let me know what you think, please...all positive and negative feedback is welcome.  I will release chapter 2 upon chapter 3's completion. Enjoy.
If you can't do the time, don't do the crime.

Offline Johnb823

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1

Grugg Grievance

Luminance: The intensity of light emitted from a given surface…
How could something be so bright be a part of something so dark?



“Your assignment is to kill twenty Wizard Slaves.  They are a menace to Morai, and they need to be exterminated,” Luminance Knight Inuwen stated sternly.

“Yes Sir!” exclaimed the enthusiastic prodigy.

He was a young and avid barbarian with false experience in combat.  Unknown to most, he spent most of his early years inside of the Frost-Covered City and had very little knowledge of life, leveling, and combat of the outside world.  I am still not sure why they chose him – a novice – however, I am sure that the true answers will reveal themselves throughout the course of my investigation.  I am a detective with the South Archosaur “Southside” investigative services, and I am charged with unveiling the truth behind this suspicious disappearance.

My Hellfire Drake dove to the ground in hopes of getting a few moments rest, as we had flown straight from the station.  He cawed out in exhaustion and then flopped to the ground, creating a small quake.  I stepped off and took in the smell of luminance.  It was a moist jungle aroma; mildew meets fresh cut grass.  Immediately after I landed I felt a sour feeling in the air, confirmed when a shadowy figured approached.
“The Lord of Luminance demands an audience.  He demands that inquiries be made, and answers be given,” the dark being commanded.

“Well perhaps I could take a moment to rest?  A long flight has left me with some killer jetlag,” I replied.
The being looked at me emotionless, turned around swiftly and walked through the brush into town; I took his bluntness as means to follow him.  I followed him through the brush and into the other server of Luminance.  As soon as I stepped in I was greeted with sour looks and bleak expressions, as if everyone already knew who I was and why I was there…


The excited barbarian quickly ran to the Luminance Supply Shop to grab some armor and a weapon.  Both sets of equipment were not the best but will suffice.  On his way to the bank he walked down main street to window browse some of the local shops…Tony’s Tideborn Fish Market was packed with customers, Merchant Mike’s General store was under construction, and Grugg’s Gentleman’s Club was packed with drunkard men and women of all races and classes.  He walked further down and saw a huge sign with an obnoxious arrow pointing west: “TONIGHT ONLY: 99 coin beer for all customers after 6pm and 6,000 coins for all you can eat Rhino Ribs!”  With a smile like the sun he hustled to the bank to withdraw money for tonight’s festivities; he felt he deserved one last night of fun before a perilous journey.

He made a left down Shine Street, and cut through the alleyway on the right.  The alleyway was much more intimidating from the inside; however he realized that in order to complete the greater mission he would have to face some scary things.  As he crept deeper into the alley, light faded until there was nothing but a glimpse at either side.
“Oh my…this is more intimidating than Territory Wars.  I’m so afraid,” he whispered to himself.
There was a distinct smell in the air; a sour fishy smell.  It moved through the alley and slapped the young adventurer in the nose like a bat.

“Holy Momaganon! That is so rank!”

He covered his nose and continued to walk down the alleyway, down the connecting street and into the bank.  After the bank he quickly rushed over to the pub, The Shimmering Light, located at East Shine and Blackout.  He walked inside and was immediately greeted with the attentive look from every customer and employee in the building; a few moments of awkward silence and then they continued their business.  Although the air was foul with the stench of beer and sweat, the barbarian detected a familiar sickening stench.  He shrugged it off and sat down at the bar, ordering a beer with some Rhino Ribs.  As he stuffed his face, a hidden figure watched in the distance…



I walked through a gateway and was astonished to see a hidden semi-modernized town.  There were stores, paved streets, and people socializing.  I half expected Morai to be a land filled with barbarism and ancient lifestyles.  I followed my escort through town to an altar-like structure.  What looked miniscule at a distance is actually astonishingly big.  I took a minute to get my bearings; I noticed two shadowy figures following me while I walked through town, I wanted to determine if they were still following. A long walk and a longer flight have left me tired – I yawned and looked behind me on the right side, no one.  My back was sore from standing for so long – I cracked my back to the left and noticed a hooded, scaly figure peeking at me from a shop; the figure jerked his or her head forward and pretended to be browsing.  We climbed up the endless steps and after an eternity of walking up we reached the top.

“Wait here,” the figure said in an annoyed voice.

“Thanks for the pleasant walk friend,” I replied sarcastically.

He turned briefly, sneered and walked on.  It is quite obvious that I'm not welcome here; I knew I had to watch my back and stay attentive. With each passing minute I felt a darker presence was approaching.  My eyes felt heavy and my legs wobbled.  I started to feel dizzy and I thought to myself, “What is going on?”  A moment later I collapsed to the floor and started to pass out…

“The light, it’s fading,” I whispered.  “What is going on?”

Darkness…’

=========


2

Shrouded Secret

A small beam of light escaped the shackles of the night and shot the barbarian’s face like a cannon.  The warmth penetrated his fur and brought life to his sleeping body.  The morning seemed to almost smile when he yawned, stretched, and rose.

“Today is my day,” he thought. “I’m going to shine like the midday sun.”

With a big smile, he ran through the town to the Luminance Elite Armory.  He opened the door with excitement and walked into a large and dimly light room; the door slammed behind him.  A large and portly human with a seriously unfriendly look approached the barbarian; he towered a full foot over him.

“Whatta ya nee?” he growled.

“Luminance Lord Grugg requested that I be armed in a sufficient manner.”

“Whattar ya huntin?”

“Wizard Slaves,” the barbarian said in a conceded tone.

“Folla me boy”

The man led him down a few long corridors and down some stairs.  The walls were made of local rocks and a cement-like substance.  He noticed that in numerous areas the walls were broken and chipping and a fresh coat of paint wouldn’t hurt either.  They entered a large opening and came to an elevator.  The man took out a notebook and wrote down a few notes, and then handed it to the barbarian. 

“Go down ta B72 n and am dis.”

“Thanks so much!”

As the barbarian entered the elevator he detected a familiar scent, fish.  The doors shut and the elevator proceeded to drop.  All of a sudden, a mysterious voice called out to him.

“Barbarian,” it moaned.

Scared at first, the barbarian retreated to a corner and muttered, “Who is there?”

“That isn’t important, what is important is your mission.”

“My miss–”

“Wizard Slaves right?” the voice interrupted.

“Yes your ghostliness sir,” the frightened barbarian replied.

Less than a second later the mysterious voice unmasked itself to reveal a tideborn figure.  The figure drew a small dagger-like blade and whipped it at the wall, just left of his head.  The barbarian opened his eyes and looked upon his ghost.  She was fairly tall and busty, although the barbarian was still taller, her eyes were faded blue and her hair was different shades of purple.  Her skin was a pale form of lavender and she wore a black outfit, just covering all of the necessary items.  A back mask covered her lips and nose.

“You’re a…a…a girl?” he said laughing.

“Yes, I am a girl, is that a problem?” she replied enraged.

“I’m sorry,” he said continuing to laugh.  “You just had me scared for a few seconds.”

She drew another dagger and forced it to his throat, allowing the icy steel to rub up against his jugular.  She pulled out the dagger in the wall, licked it clean and sheathed it.

“Listen to me VERY carefully…you are going to get your gear, and then disappear for a while, as if you went on your quest.  We do not want Wizard Slaves exterminated, we want them to repopulate and over run the Luminance defensive outposts.  Forget your mission and disappear…or else,” she threatened.

“And if I refuse?” he said bravely.

“Then I kill you, and any other Lumi-pussy Grugg sends to the Brightened Gardens,” she said in an angry tone.
Just as the elevator came to a halt, she vanished.

“Don’t be an idiot…I will be watching,” the voice moaned.

Silence filled the narrow vault as the doors slid open.  The confused hero proceeded down the hallway to the counter.  He handed the slip of paper to another abnormally large human and leaned against the counter.  The man mumbled to himself and went into the storage center looking for gear. 

“What was that all about?” he thought to himself.  “Who was the girl, where was she from, and why doesn’t she want me to kill the Wizard Slaves?”

After a few minutes the man returned carrying a dusty, rusty armor set, and a weapon.  The barbarian equipped the gear with a wide smile and said, “Perfect.”

He turned about and ran back to the elevator.  The doors closed, and the entire ride up he had reservations as to if the tideborn would really be watching.  He shrugged it off and ran out of the armory, headed towards the Luminance airfield to get a Hellfire Drake.

“You need to sigh one out,” the air marshal said.

The barbarian inked up his paw and made his mark on the sheet, and then climbed aboard the drake.  He took a look around, smiled, then pulled on the reigns, and began to fly.  They slowly drifted into the setting sun…disappearing into the sky…



   Darkness…everywhere I looked, darkness.  I heard some voices murmuring in the background, none of them recognizable.  My eyes blurred as I struggled to awaken.  I tried to move my body but each movement was so painful, and my wrists and feet were bound.  Where am I? What happened to me? Why am I here?  All of these questions swarmed my mind as I heard someone walking over to me.

“Fantastic, the pig is awake,” one mysterious voice said.

“Bring him over here,” a female commanded.

“What is going on?” I managed to whisper.

I took a deep breath in and was immediately greeted with an odorous pinch of something truly disgusting.  It smelt of rotten fish and used gym socks; perhaps it was the room I was in, or the people around me.
 
“Quickly, blindfold him and tape his mouth,” the female voice commanded again.

“What’s going on!” I yelled just as the tape was placed over my mouth.

I blinked for a second to see the scaly hooded figure that was following me before I passed out.  As soon as I saw the light a blindfold was forced over my face, and I was plunged back into darkness.  I struggled and tried to move but the pain was overbearing.

“Enough!” the female voice exclaimed.  “You will not struggle, you will not budge…or else.”

I heard a sharp and rigid sound, and then felt a cool metal razor on my neck.

“I am holding a dagger to your neck,” she whispered.  “Any attempt to move, or fight, and I will slit your throat, nod that you understand.”

I nodded.

“Good, now that I have your attention, you probably have a few questions.  Unfortunately, I didn’t kidnap you to help with your agenda; I kidnapped you to cover my own ass.  We work for a secret society of hired assassins; my name is Aerie, leader of the shadow division.  Our specialty is a darker version of seek and destroy, we infiltrate and murder.  We follow the details our employers’ layout for us to the word, as well as tie up any loose ends that we come across.  Our home is a distant landed shrouded by the jungle.  As I previously said, I kidnapped you to cover my own ass.  I am not going to kill you; I am only going to warn you.  Should you heed my warning, you will survive to be old and prosperous.”

Her stench infiltrated my nostrils like they infiltrate buildings.  She must have leaned closer.

“Leave Morai, and take your investigation with you, for if you do not, you will die slow and painfully.”
She stuck the knife just far enough into my skin to allow a small puncture.

“Do you understand? Nod that you understand!” she demanded.

I nodded.

“Good, I have no more use for you then; set him free.”

“Yes ma’am,” her subordinate replied.

“Oh and one more thing detective, one of us will be watching you, so no hero shit.”

A strong tug lifted me up and then dragged me down a corridor; I felt the heat of the sun on my face as I went through some kind of opening.  Then my bounds were cut, and my blindfold and mouth piece were removed.  I quickly turned to get a mere glimpse at my captors but it was no use, I was alone.  I took a look around but had no idea where I was.  All I could see was sand, all I could feel is heat and thirst.  I decided to walk east hoping to find some kind of civilization.  This mystery is deeper than I ever expected…
Last Edit: Oct 09, 2013, 04:31 pm by Jasoni
If you can't do the time, don't do the crime.

Offline Johnb823

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Chapters 3 & 4
If you can't do the time, don't do the crime.

Offline Johnb823

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If you can't do the time, don't do the crime.

Offline Meow85

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for once i bothered reading such a big wall of text, and i enjoyed it! GJ jay

Offline Johnb823

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Thanks:). more soon ^_^
If you can't do the time, don't do the crime.

Offline Meese

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I like that it's descriptive and pretty accurate in terms of imagery; good job on the research and framing a proper story!

Offline Riot

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Jay #1 nerd :P

GJ

Offline Vionn

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Good story, makes me want to read the rest of it. Only negative comments I have are some instances of word repition and incorrect grammar/ word usage.

Offline Dewy

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Liked it very much and would like to read more. GJ!

Offline Johnb823

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@Caffeine:  Thanks tons:).

@Yoonah: Jealous of my epic combination of rl badassness with a hidden side of nerdiness <3  :P

@Vionn:  Thank you, and thank you as well for the criticism...my english isnt too good when i write. I sorta type how i speak and they are like totally different languages...like irl when i say "Grammar" it sounds like "Gramma." That and i dont have that great of an education...however, if youd like to grammar check it for me and maybe send it to me on skype ill happily update it ^_^ as well as be grateful for the help:).

@Dewy: Thank you:).

====

Chapter 3 is almost finished, i'll go ahead and post chapter 2 now.
If you can't do the time, don't do the crime.

Offline PlumSauce

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Good job! Kind of skimmed through a bit but i get the general idea. Criticism: Word usage!!! It doesnt quite "flow" properly. GJ
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I have no time for idiots who don't respect my awesomeness -3-

Offline ☣EvilEye23☣

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Really good writing.
Now for the nitpicking. ;w;

Half my corrects are probably wrong or something..I think their right, but what the heck, I'm not a pro writer, I'm just a kid. ;w;

Edit: Here's some more possible stuffs kay. Sorry if I made any mistakes.
Yea, updated wew. You'll have to find some more yourself, I'm so tired gah.  (=ヮ=)೨
If you want I can proofread again when I get some sleep.
;w; I don't know how effective I am, though.
Last Edit: Oct 12, 2013, 04:58 am by EvilEye23
LightningI—150 wizard
⚔     ⚔     ⚔
  1 x  -  c a n a d a 

Offline Johnb823

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@Laurenzo: Thanks man:) I'm really trying to work on the word usage, i know it gets a little choppy and repetitive.

@Evil: Thank you tons, i kinda noticed that but didnt quite know how to fix it. Looking at your corrections i think i can fix that for chapter 3, and when i have more time go back and re-proofread the rest.  I appreciate the feedback and help:).
If you can't do the time, don't do the crime.

Offline ☣EvilEye23☣

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@Evil: Thank you tons, i kinda noticed that but didnt quite know how to fix it. Looking at your corrections i think i can fix that for chapter 3, and when i have more time go back and re-proofread the rest.  I appreciate the feedback and help:).
Your welcome ^^
I also went back and continued reading a bit to the end of chapt. 2, so I added some more things.
I'm just going to mention this again, I noticed that you barely ever used the word "and"..which can probably be a good thing. However, I think you might have used this: ;
a bit too much ;/. Try editing for variety.

updated proofread/suggestions:
Really good writing.
Now for the nitpicking. ;w;

Half my corrects are probably wrong or something..I think their right, but what the heck, I'm not a pro writer, I'm just a kid. ;w;

Edit: Here's some more possible stuffs kay. Sorry if I made any mistakes.
Yea, updated wew. You'll have to find some more yourself, I'm so tired gah.  (=ヮ=)೨
If you want I can proofread again when I get some sleep.
;w; I don't know how effective I am, though.
LightningI—150 wizard
⚔     ⚔     ⚔
  1 x  -  c a n a d a