Epic Perfect World

Question without answer

Offline Xcution

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  • Characters: Xcution, Skyscream
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Why do we need them? Why do we want others to be close? Why do we experience joy when they are close?
I've been a loner all my life and was happy with it. Days and nights spent hope I wanted, free of everything, not ruled by laws of others, never thinking about restrictions others were trying to put on me. Time, spent in computer, playing games, and books..writing and reading books, unleashing wildest fantasies and becoming  everyone I wanted to become, being a hero or villain, saving the world or destroying galaxies.
Time spent dreaming, drawing and listening to music, not caring about anything or anyone...
At some point obsessions came. Temporary obsessions with secret codes, foreign languages, new music styles, physics and other things that don't matter, that are there just for few weeks, to keep one entertained.
Among that, wasting time being hardcore gamer, playing games literally for weeks non-stop. Dragged into game world, forgetting about food, drink or sleep, just killing, shooting, driving, questing... Golden age of entertainment, darkest days for personality.
Finding EPW , becoming known, switching factions back and forth, rising here, drowning there, and playing, playing..
Which eventually led to IceLotus, the jewel that I didn't know it was at that time. A faction, surfing the wave of popularity, getting famous fast and forgotten just as quickly. Restarting few times, leading to sane result. Finding out that problem was in the lack of leader qualities, then slowly focusing on self improvement, becoming one with the game..
And then she came. Mystic, dressed in red. She found the name of faction interesting. That was the turning point of my life. But again, I didn't even realise it then. All we did was arguing, joking, being ironic and sarcastic, killing each other in PK, then just hating each other more..
I knew since the first day that we lived in the same country, talked the same language and were interested in similar things. And even though at that time thoughts about closer friendship had been stored in the dark corners of my mind already, I would have never admitted that she would be the one I'd ever consider to be my equal, or even greater than me, would have never said that she is my destiny.
Everything changed at the beginning of 2014. Somehow, during faction group call on Skype like on 3rd week of the year, the phone numbers popped up in chat. I just remember thinking "What the heck are you doing, man? Giving your number to people you have barely even seen? Are you strange? You've only known then in a game, for like 5 months!". I certainly had a lot of doubts, voices, telling me not to share any information with those strangers. I'm so glad I ignored those voices.
She messaged me the same evening. I admit, I didn't even think someone would message me for real, I even kind of hoped for all that to be just joke. But regardless, I replied.
And then that started... Messaging, weeks of messaging, talking about stuff, at work, at home, everywhere. Starting in the morning, ending late in the evening or even at night. No deep purpose, just chatting. Funny : for like 6 weeks I didn't even know her real name..
I don't know what I thought about all that at that time, aside from getting addicted to her slowly. I was waiting for every message. I was getting disappointed if someone other than her was sending messages, I was stressing if she was taking what seemed a long time to reply.. Then, at some point, I just called her. Kinda failed call, I must say. She was walking with her friends so she couldn't really talk much.
But.. Yeah, there always is a "but".
But at some point I went strange abs just said "I want to see you on camera". Now I kinda regret that, considering it took me weeks and weeks to see her. I spent so much time begging for her to show herself...
Another Funny thing : when she finally showed herself it was so dark in the room I remember nothing but her eyebrows.
At some point (can't remember circumstances) we decided to me. I went to her (we live in different cities). We decided to meet at train station, but she had to copy some documents, so I just went for a walk. Somehow I wandered into big mall. She messaged me asking where I was.  Since at that time I was a huge douche (to be honest I still am), I decided to play a Hide n Seek with her. Walking around the shop, messaging her, waiting to see yet enjoying that game...Then I actually saw her live for the first time ever. Weirdest thing was that she immediatelly ran to me and hugged me. I was quite surprised, and yet I enjoyed it. She was shocked as well, by the fact that I am real. She probably thought that I was just random joker, so seeing me in real life made an impression on her. Probably she didn't even think I actually came to that city until she saw me...
That day, spent together, was definitely one of the best day of my life. Although, I can't say I fell in love with her that day or something, I just realised that that day might have been a start of a great friendship.
Following months were also great, we met a few times, she even came to my city. At some point I actually started thinking for real that she might be the "one", but I had too many doubts and too little courage to admit that. Luckily, she found a job for summer, not far from my city. So we started meeting a lil more often. Summer... Probably one of the best I've had, if not the best.
At the end of the summer she went to different country. For two weeks. Those weren't really bad weeks, but at the end of the first week I got mad on myself. By that time I knew I've felt some serious feelings for her, maybe not love, but huge addiction at least. Being unable to see or hear her really left a mark. Few photos on facebook..and nothing else. By the end of the first week I realised I can't remember her face. It was blurry in my memories. Probably because at some point I started idealising her, almost worshipping the image of her I've had in my brain, and I didn't even bother remembering her real self.
After she came back though, for some time I thought everything was same as before. She changed a bit though, but I didn't care about it enough to notice the exact reason and result of that change.
Although at that time I started feeling some...cold. It felt as if since she came back we were just drifting away, slowly yet surely. But I didn't think about it, I've told her nothing about those feelings.
Like 6 weeks ago her friend messaged me. Her best friend at the time. She told me some things about my chosen one that I, even though I had thought about them or guessed them accidently, didn't admit before. Her friend told me that she liked me alot and wanted to become a couple, but couldn't find the courage to suggest that to me, she was afraid I'd push her back. Friend also told me she was feeling bad because I was treating her like my girlfriend, just toying with her feelings and emotions, never reaching the peak point.
I don't know what happened to me at that time, but I actually gave it a lot of thought. A lot. And even more.
Her friend also suggested me to finally man up and make that step, make her my girlfriend, make her happy. But I got to admit, I was afraid to do so, I knew I couldn't make her happy, I didn't even meet my own requirements that I've set to myself to become worthy of her. It took me a whole month to gather the courage and finally tell her that I love her and want to be with her.
And I was late. Exactly 1 week late. Some other guy has done the same before me, and she said "Yes".
That moment was just terrifying.
I still feel a wave of fear and negative emotions when I think about that moment, but it is just a far cry from that emptyness and freezing cold I've felt at that moment. In a single instant whole world turned around. Earth and sky inverted, mixed up into gray mass, swirling around in a wortex.
I was at home when she told me that. After getting home I messaged her, and we talked a bit. Before nighfall she...she just woke up emotions and feelings that I neglected or just got rid of. Spending a night and the following day in such deep depression that I couldn't even understand it helped me a bit, I realised things that I need to change, things, that were holding me back all my life.
And at that time, when I realised I lost her, I really understood how much she meant to me. Worlds apart from what I told to her, a million times more than I even admitted to myself..
"You only realise what you've had after you lose it'. Words of truth. I learned that myself.
I was thankful for that...And yet freezing flame was destroying me from the inside.
She was in a mess as well, my manipulations and actions led to situation where she had to chose one of two. But she just couldn't...or rather, didn't want to. She cried in despair and pain, with me just being silent, unable to say anything to calm her down.
It ended with me going to her, which could've been the last time. I met her next to school, right after her classes ended. Even though she seemed happy to see me, I just acted as cold as I could. I wanted to hug her, to hold her in my arms, but the idea that she chose someone else kept me from doing so. I just couldn't force myself to touch something that is meant for another.
I turned on my stone-cold mode and just started forcing her to make a decision. To finally chose. It took me a lot of energy, but for her it was a lot harder. But I warned her before: I will not back away until you decide. Actually, I was ready to disappear from her life. I only want her to be happy, I don't care who or what makes her happy. I was perfectly fine with someone else making her happy. Of course, I realised I would most likely regret that decision, but time would fix everything. If she'd be happy, I would be happy, even alone. To be honest, I had already made my decision: back off. Leave her alone, let her stay with the other man, let them be happy, never bother her again. Let her have a life.
So when she chose me, I was shocked. I literally couldn't believe it at first. And weirdly, after I learned that she will stay with me, my first thought wasn't "Yes!" or "She's mine!', I actually thought "That other dude will be devastated to lose someone like her". I, I myself couldn't believe I was actually thinking about feelings of someone other at moment like that!
But I was happy. Really happy. At that time I was sick, got a cold like 5 days prior to that meeting, also, those past days of emotions really left deep wounds, but I was happy. At that same day we decided that we'd became a couple, with nobody else to interrupt or interfere.
I was really happy.
That was until 2 weeks ago. She was supposed to come to me on Saturday with that friend of hers (she was also going to meet her boyfriend, somehow both of them live in one city and both of us - me and her bf - live in different city). But that week wasn't really great. Even though we decided to become a couple, I still could feel us becoming more and more distant. I dont know why. Maybe because of recent emotional and psychological shock that resulted in trauma, maybe of other reasons...But that week definitely was one of the worst weeks this year. It was just...wrong.
When she came, we both were in exceptionally bad mood. Thanks god that mood improved when we saw each other, otherwise it would've been really bad meeting.
We went to the cinema. Her friend and her friend's bf gave us a ride to cinema, then left us alone. To be honest, I actually predicted that everything would be perfectly fine, but still, somewhere deep I had doubts, I was afraid everything would go to hell real fast.
The movie wasn't that good though. It was "Deliver us from Evil". I'll never understand why dudes go watch horror movies with their girlfriends...Even though movie wasn't all THAT bad either. But I didn't get scared a single time, even though she held on my hand few times, and like 2 or 3 times got scared by dogs or other jump-scares. We were sitting in top row, right in front of screen. Aside from us there were only 3 other people in theater, some girls.
I could feel her sitting next, I was hugging her, the warmth of her body was radiating. I knew I'll have to kiss her at some point, she was expecting that, she gave me a lot of opportunities and hints on that. But I really am a terrible kisser, so I just pretended that I didn't understand what she wants.
After movie ended, I was relieved. At least I had more reasons to postpone kissing and other stuff, I was afraid I'd fail miserably. Besides, there were a lot of people around cinema, so she probably didn't want to do anything intimate in that surrounding as well.
We took a walk to nearby forest. I was walking there just to calm my thoughts, somehow being surrounded by trees always helps me think. She didn't really like it though, but somehow I managed to walk her into the forest quite a bit. We then just had a word fight, throwing ideas and arguments at each other, not for real, but more like sarcastic and ironic thoughts. After some time I just noticed that we stood at one place in woods for like 15 minutes and just were beating around the bush. Again, I knew what she wanted, but couldn't do it.
She did it instead. She pretended to be offended by my words, so I hugged her and asked what she wanted. She suddenly turned around and kissed me slightly. At that moment I just snapped and started kissing her like hell. Maybe I was just pathetic, but she didn't mind. At same time, in my mind I realised that this is it. She will be mine, nobody else's . All mine. 100% mine. And I will not give her to anyone or share her with anybody.
That day was just full of hugs and kisses.
When we reached the train station and she boarded the train, I have to admit, I've felt both uplifted and tired to death. Just too many emotions for one day, especially for someone as cold and emotionless as me.
And again, I thought everything would be perfect, I thought our future is set, and nothing will change..
I was wrong.
5 days ago we were talking on Skype with a group of other people. At the end of call she started to act mean, after call, by the end of evening she even started to ignore me. I felt so offended that the next day whole morning I was ignoring her. As it seemed to me even then, it wasn't the right thing to do, but still, my ego and desire to let her feel what I feel forced me to be stone cold till lunch. I shouldn't have been such an ass...
Later that day we had a converstation. I told that we need to fix our relationship. And we should start to trust each other. She replied that she trust me, to which I said "I dont trust you completely". Of course, that hurt her. Badly. I just reminded her how she broke up friendship with that friend of hers, because she thought that, since me and her friend were talking a bit and playing few games together, that friend tried to lure me away from her. I realise I should have kept my mouth shut. It all ended in both of us crying on friday. She-from being hurt, me-from feeling more powerless than I have ever felt in my entire life. I just couldn't get to her, it seemed she just refused to hear me. She dropped the call at some point, just for me to call her like 20 times before she picked the call again, just to starting crying again as well.
Luckily, it was really cold outside. We ended the call with a bang. with her demanding me to drop the call. I just went outside, cold was freezing my nerves, helping me calm down.
After I came home though, I've got a message from her, asking if I could call her. So I did. For some reason she apologised for saying the things she did. I'll never forget her voice in headphones. Dead voice. Just as my face was at that moment. I felt so tired, so old..it felt like I've became 20 years older in that one evening, just so drained of energy..
We made a promise that would not happen again. And she promised to come the following day.
2 days ago she did. And what a day it was. I was probably the best day of my life. I just felt so easy and happy with her. I finally started to feel the relationship between us, to its full extent. And she was happy as well.  That saturday really did something amazing. No more mess in my head, everything became crystal clear, I fully realised how much I love her and how much I need her every single day of my life.
I think about when I wake up, I dream about her before I fall asleep, I make plans how to be with her, I feel hunger for her voice, I need to see her just to stay sane..
I get driven away by dreams of her.. I imagine moving to her city, so we would meet after school and hang out together every day, I think how great it would be for her to come to me after classes instead of going home, to relax, to rest from her sister and family, maybe to run away from the rest of the world, even just for few hours...
And now, when I just think about her, I remember the one promise I gave to myself, a promise that is now my greatest motivation and my only way of life:
"She must be happy. I will not stop, I will not back away, I will not run until I reach that. She'll be happy no matter what it takes, I don't care about blood or money, I don't care about hell or sky, but she will be happy. Thats absolute.'

In the end, I still can't find the answer. Why do we need others? Why others make us so happy? Why after you taste it, you cannot go back and live without it?

One thing I know for sure: EPW has change the destiny of at least 2 people. Thank you.
Last Edit: Oct 06, 2014, 09:56 pm by Xcution

Offline Ky

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well upon further inspections i have come in conclusion that you may be in need of a psychologist or psychiatrist or some sh** like that buut upon more further inspections you seem to be suffering from an unknown disease that is incurable sorry my friend enjoy your life while it lasts  :'( :'(

Offline Xcution

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  • Characters: Xcution, Skyscream
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well upon further inspections i have come in conclusion that you may be in need of a psychologist or psychiatrist or some sh** like that buut upon more further inspections you seem to be suffering from an unknown disease that is incurable sorry my friend enjoy your life while it lasts  :'( :'(


Thanks. My recommendations for you: smoke less weed.

Offline Erhie

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There was no way I was going to read all that.
"The first fall of snow is not only an event, it is a magical event. You go to bed in one kind of a world and wake up in another quite different, and if this is not enchantment then where is it to be found?
~J. B. Priestley"

Offline Riel

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I don't think this is the right place for you to vent out whatever it is you're feeling. To each his own, I guess. xD

Vegas

Thanks. My recommendations for you: smoke less weed.

My recommendations for you: smoke more weed. Maybe you won't come on game forums and post a wall of text then
Didn't read it btw '-'

Offline Artiom

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  • Faction: Tyrants I 420
better story then twilight  :'( :'( :'( strong
Lisa❤

Offline Cynix

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  • Jealousy is just love and hate at the same time.
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Offline BadAxe

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Good for you man, and for her. Best of luck to you both. :smiley:

Offline Devinate

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WWW.ChristianMingle.com
Devinate - 150 demon Assassin
seekies - 150 sage Seeker

Offline Artiom

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  • Faction: Tyrants I 420
WWW.ChristianMingle.com

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL  :normal-2: :normal-13: :normal-2: belly hurts
Lisa❤

Offline Erhie

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EPW has turned into a dating service....
Even I've found love *winks a bae*
 :pig-3:
"The first fall of snow is not only an event, it is a magical event. You go to bed in one kind of a world and wake up in another quite different, and if this is not enchantment then where is it to be found?
~J. B. Priestley"

Offline Renegade

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what the.... did you atleast.... grab the boob during kiss....

Offline Tarasque

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Finding EPW , becoming known,
error

Offline Rumi

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uhhh quick question how long have you two been together