Epic Perfect World

My down time project...

Offline epicseeker

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So... For the last 2 years, in what down time I have, I have been working on a novel based in a world created more than 20yrs ago for table top gaming. I have been curious what other people think about my writing. Be as critical as you like, I am almost impossible to offend. Just bear in mind, that my writing time is almost as limited as my game time. Between working 60+ hours a week, and now having a new family to take up more of my time, so this is a very SLOW process. Anyway... Here is the last excerpt I finished. Hope you all enjoy it.


I just met you, but yes I'm strange, I'll trace your number, and kill you maybe!
You just met me, but I know you're strange, so lose my number, and keep the baby!

Offline Ky

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who the fck is gonna read that fkin essay

Offline epicseeker

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who the fck is gonna read that fkin essay

Clearly someone with a better grasp of language, diction, and grammar than you. Nice try on insulting me though.

I just met you, but yes I'm strange, I'll trace your number, and kill you maybe!
You just met me, but I know you're strange, so lose my number, and keep the baby!

scxclfbdnkgw

who the fck is gonna read that fkin essay
you have some serious problems

Offline Lexmau

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Clearly someone with a better grasp of language, diction, and grammar than you. Nice try on insulting me though.

+1 ppl so brain slow to read

Offline ☣EvilEye23☣

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who the fck is gonna read that fkin essay
hi how r u gud yea

So... For the last 2 years, in what down time I have, I have been working on a novel based in a world created more than 20yrs ago for table top gaming. I have been curious what other people think about my writing. Be as critical as you like, I am almost impossible to offend. Just bear in mind, that my writing time is almost as limited as my game time. Between working 60+ hours a week, and now having a new family to take up more of my time, so this is a very SLOW process. Anyway... Here is the last excerpt I finished. Hope you all enjoy it.
ooooo
"be as critical as you like"
Oooooooooooooooooo
also this is pretty good from the little I've read (and reread and reread) so far
also, essentially, I am not completely sure about any edits i'm suggesting & all my edited spellings are in Canadian/British english because hah. hah. hah.

Quote
Ysillebor soared through the air over the vast Plains of Mozroth, his gigantic bulk gliding through the thermal currents gently, as he sped on his way to his master’s next target. Celestria was to fall next to the iron fist of The Sovereign, and The Great Dark One was being sent to ensure it did. He carried the full power of The Dark Master with him, and had been given full permission to crush the pitiful mortals into dust beneath his feet. With a guttural roar, the power of Ysillebor was bared as the life beneath him was smote to ashes by the blast. The city defenders would know he was coming from the display of power, but Ysillebor wanted them to be ready, he wanted to savor their terror and pain, he wanted to feast on every emotion as he laid waste to everything they held dear.
1) That red & bold comma-are you sure it's necessary?

2) "He carried the full power of The Dark Master with him" I dunno, but maybe try "within him"? I don't exactly know the effect you're searching for (seeing as I've only read, like, this paragraph so far) though.

3) " With a guttural roar, the power of Ysillebor was bared as the life beneath him was smote to ashes by the blast." It seems to me (seems is the important word in this sentence ijs) that it's rather..detached, I suppose, from the previous sentence, and that it doesn't flow as well as it could? Idk, I think you could maybe add a "Then" to the beginning-"Then, with a guttural roar, the power of Ysillebor was bared as the life beneath him was smote to ashes by the blast."

4) "The defenders of the city" instead of the "city defenders".

5) " but Ysillebor wanted them to be ready, he wanted to savor their terror and pain, he wanted to feast on every emotion as he laid waste to everything they held dear." I think some of those "he"s are unnecessary. Also I inserted a hyphen. Ex. "but Ysillebor wanted them to be ready-he wanted to savour their terror and pain, to feast on every emotion as he laid waste to everything they held dear." I'm also debating suggesting some edits to the "every emotion" part (that is, debating to myself), however, I think I'll leave that part atm.

there's 1 block down
many to go
ho ho ho ho ho
Last Edit: May 23, 2014, 09:09 pm by ☣EvilEye23☣
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Offline ☣EvilEye23☣

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i'm posting these separately for personal organization purposes mk
also there may be some other parts that I personally would change however I shan't do that here mainly because I'm doing grammatical stuff kinda.
I'm numbering the paragraphs so that it's easier to find stuff out of the ones that i've pasted here, not your total paras
ugh what is this font even

Quote
   It wasn't long before the sprawling city of Celestria came into view on the horizon, and with a booming cough, the huge demon furled his monstrous sable wings into his body and broke into a dive. Falling out of the late afternoon sun, the demon hurtled through the air, the wind howling around the hideous apelike face as he plummeted toward the ground at impossible speeds. At the last possible instant, just as the ground was racing up to meet him, Ysillebor spread his vast wings and, grunting with the effort, checked the speed of his fall. He landed before the wall with a massive blast, his impact leaving a crater nearly as large as Ysillebor himself, and with a gruesome, terrible laughter, the strongest of the Dark Ones strode out of the hole his landing had created.

   The city of Celestria was the largest trading city on this side of the Spears of L’Vosh, it’s huge fifty foot walls dominating the surrounding landscape with the full might of a trading empire backing them. The walls had been whitewashed to gleam in the setting sun, and their fortified strength had even managed to deflect the might of the armies of The Witch Kings. Celestria’s entire bearing was designed to bestow a feeling of awe and almost fear to anyone coming within sight of the massive, sprawling city. Now though, in the face of the master of the Dark Ones, the harbinger of catastrophe, Ysillebor, the bringer of cataclysms, it seemed weak and impossibly ill prepared indeed.

 The defenders of Celestria were scrambling about on top of the wall, none of them sure how they were to handle a demon landing at their doorstep. Ysillebor could feel their fear and panic, the sensations sent shivers of pure glee through his abominable grey hide, and with a terrible roar he watched as several men literally fell dead from fright. The chaos on the top of the wall was like a rare delicacy to the demon, and he chuckled to himself as the officers of the city guard tried futilely to restore order, and inspire courage in their terrified men. The soldiers of Celestria, known throughout the world as The Iron Lions, for their courage and fortitude, scrambled haphazardly looking for a place only to hide from the terror that now faced them down.

   With a curling sneer of his gaping, drooling maw, Ysillebor reached his massive clawed hand into the small pouch held at his waist. With a satisfied laugh he slowly drew out the five iron rings he had been instructed to carry by his master, and began to lay them about him in a crude circle. The defenders of Celestria looked on in wonder as the enormous fifteen foot tall demon carefully aligned the rings on the ground, almost like a child would settle one of his toys. The Iron Lions stared in awe and despair, as the final ring was laid, and a sickly green light erupted from the small iron objects, and soon began to pulsate and move with a will of it’s own. The mighty Dark One stepped through the toxic light, his huge lumbering stride seeming to shake the very foundations of the great walls of the city. What followed the enormous demon was what truly sapped the spines of the defenders, as they looked on in horror as an army of Dark Elves stepped out of the sickly light of the iron disks.

1) " it’s huge fifty foot walls". Use "its" instead of "it's", since its possession and not "it is". Para 2.
2) Imo I'd put a now before a sentence-"Now, the defenders of Celestria were scrambling about on top of the wall", para 3, but that's just my choice.
3) " Ysillebor could feel their fear and panic, the sensations sent shivers of pure glee through his abominable grey hide, and with a terrible roar he watched as several men literally fell dead from fright."
I don't think this flows quite write, so I'd either rewrite it as "Ysillebor could feel their fear and panic, the sensations sending shivers of pure glee through his abominable grey hide, and with a terrible roar he watched as several men literally fell dead from fright", or "Ysillebor could feel their fear and panic, and the sensations sent shivers of pure glee through his abominable gray hide, and with a terrible roar he watched as several men literally fell dead from fright." IF you do deign to take my advice, I'd recommend the first variation, primarily because you use "and" again in the sentence.
4) "he chuckled to himself as the officers of the city guard tried futilely to restore order, and inspire courage in their terrified men. " I think that comma is redundant. "he chuckled to himself as the officers of the city guard tried futilely to restore order and inspire courage in their terrified men."

5) "The soldiers of Celestria, known throughout the world as The Iron Lions, for their courage and fortitude, scrambled haphazardly looking for a place only to hide from the terror that now faced them down."
I'd rewrite that sentence as, "The soldiers of Celestria, known throughout the world as the Iron Lions for their courage and fortitude, scrambled haphazardly looking only for a place to hide from the terror that was now facing them."
I think that flows better tbh.

6) "With a curling sneer of his gaping, drooling maw, Ysillebor reached his massive clawed hand into the small pouch held at his waist. With a satisfied laugh he slowly drew out the five iron rings he had been instructed to carry by his master, and began to lay them about him in a crude circle. " You started 2 sentences with "with", which probably isn't that great of an idea. Also, the curling part of the sneer is rather vague. Umm..lesee. The replacement of the word curling isn't necessary tho i like the touch but eh thats my opinion : P.
"With a bloodcurdling sneer of his gaping, drooling maw, Ysillebor reached his massive, clawed hand into the small pouch that was held at his waist/that had been tied to/secured to his waist. Slowly, he drew out the five iron rings he had been instructed to carry by his master, and began to lay them about him in a crude circle-laughing in satisfaction throughout the process/through the entire process."

7) "The defenders of Celestria looked on in wonder." Only in wonder? Possibly "in terrified wonder", "in paralyzed wonder", idk, something else maybe?? who knows

8 ) "almost like a child would settle one of his toys." I ... really do not agree with that usage of the word "settle". To me, it doesn't read correctly-however, you might have a different opinion; if so; ignore this. I'd do something like "almost like how a child would set down one of his toys." (I also added a "how" there, huehuehue.)

9) "The Iron Lions stared in awe and despair, as the final ring was laid, and a sickly green light erupted from the small iron objects, and soon began to pulsate and move with a will of it’s own." I'd remove one of those commas, I think. And change some other stuff. "The Iron Lions stared in awe and despair as the final ring was laid, and a sickly green light erupted from the small iron objects-which soon began to pulsate and move with a will of its own." There, use "its" instead of "it's" as well-possessive usage, not "it is."

10) doing this as a chunk because lol
"The mighty Dark One stepped through the toxic light, his huge lumbering stride seeming to shake the very foundations of the great walls of the city. What followed the enormous demon was what truly sapped the spines of the defenders, as they looked on in horror as an army of Dark Elves stepped out of the sickly light of the iron disks."
Right, so. I'd change the first sentence of that to "The mighty Dark One stepped through the toxic light, and his huge, lumbering stride seemed to shake the very foundations of the great walls of the city." I added an "and" a comma. I'd recommend you add the comma, but the changing of the seeming into seemed and adding the and is optional kinda? I like it better but eh.
Next, I'd separate that second sentence into two. So: "What followed the enormous demon was what truly sapped the spines of the defenders. As they looked on in horror, an army of Dark Elves stepped out of the sickly light emitting from the iron disks." Changed some other stuff too eheh.

yeah i might get to some more of this later
LightningI—150 wizard
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Offline epicseeker

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Thanks for the feed back. I'm glad someone took the time to read SOME of it. Like I said I've been working on it for over 2 years. But I only get maybe an hour or so every 2-3 days to sit and write. Most of the time, that explains the gap in flow, because I never really get a chance to truly get INTO writing, before I have to stop again.

I just met you, but yes I'm strange, I'll trace your number, and kill you maybe!
You just met me, but I know you're strange, so lose my number, and keep the baby!

Offline ☣EvilEye23☣

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Thanks for the feed back. I'm glad someone took the time to read SOME of it. Like I said I've been working on it for over 2 years. But I only get maybe an hour or so every 2-3 days to sit and write. Most of the time, that explains the gap in flow, because I never really get a chance to truly get INTO writing, before I have to stop again.
Ehehe, your welcome C:. I probably would have read more if I wasn't rereading for the feedback/suggestion part and stuff though XD. Also, I see.

Here's another bit of feedback-
Quote
Khellistwyn Mi’leysrian looked up at the walls of Celestria and a cold, hard, wicked smile spread slowly across the carven features of his face, as he looked upon the first conquest of his new war. The army at his back numbered three thousand, all of them highly trained, and hardened in the fires of battle, and he knew this pitiful city was going to prove no match for the might unleashed against it.
   “This should prove a much needed diversion.” he said, his voice almost pleasant and conversational considering they were about to lay siege to a city who’s defenders outnumbered them two to one. “Be sure you breach the temple before the demon gets there. Be sure there are no survivors, Xorvog would be greatly pleased by that.” he finished as he turned to look at his lieutenant, giving him a dark, sadistic smile as they both thought of the pleasure killing priests would bring them.
1) Apparently carven gives out to spell check. So carved, or chiseled? Chiseled should work pretty well for the context (i.e. facial features).

2) "Khellistwyn Mi’leysrian looked up at the walls of Celestria and a cold, hard, wicked smile spread slowly across the carven features of his face, as he looked upon the first conquest of his new war." Also for that sentence. You said looked up and then looked upon, maybe try something like: "Khellistwyn Mi'leysrian looked up at the walls of Celestria, and a cold, hard wicked smile spread slowly across the carven/chiseled/carved features of his face--for he was looking upon the first conquest of his new war."

3.
So the rest of the first paragraph I copied:
"The army at is backed numbered three thousand, all of them highly trained and hardened in the fires of battle, and he knew that this pitiful city was going to prove no match for the might that was to be unleashed against it." (I used "was to be" instead of "might unleashed against it", simply because so far, you haven't written the attack of the city, at this point in the story. Also I removed a comma coz i found it redundant ish.) Yes this is the edited ver.

4.
' "This should provide a much needed diversion," he said, his voice almost pleasant and conversational--considering that they were about to lay siege to a city whose defenders outnumbered them two to one.' (This is edited.)
You put a comma after speech like that instead of a period. Examples:
Code: [Select]
"I ate a bug," exclaimed Joe.
"Really?" asked Bob, "Did you remember to put ketchup on it? Everyone says to put ketchup on bugs!"
(ridiculous, non?). Anyhow, for that sentence, I also added a "that". Instead of using "who's" which is literally "who is", use "whose". For the edits, you can just compare my changed sentence to the original one in the quote.

5. Ok, I need to paste the entire thing here for this to make sense.
" “This should prove a much needed diversion.” he said, his voice almost pleasant and conversational considering they were about to lay siege to a city who’s defenders outnumbered them two to one. “Be sure you breach the temple before the demon gets there. Be sure there are no survivors, Xorvog would be greatly pleased by that.” he finished as he turned to look at his lieutenant, giving him a dark, sadistic smile as they both thought of the pleasure killing priests would bring them."
So the first sentence I've edited. But I'll just retype my edited ver here:
"This should provide a much needed diversion," he said, his voice almost pleasant and conversational--considering that they were about to lay siege to a city whose defenders outnumbered them two to one. "Be sure you breach the temple before the demon gets there. Leave no survivors-for that will greatly please Xorvog," he finished as he turned to look at his lieutenant. He gave him a dark, sadistic smile as they both though of the pleasure that killing countless priests would bring them.

I'm not quite sure if you put a new line after the second time he talks, considering that it is the same person speaking.
And that I'm not exactly a pro, am I? XD
LightningI—150 wizard
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Offline epicseeker

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Just for reference... THIS is Ysillebor. The Great Dark One.


I just met you, but yes I'm strange, I'll trace your number, and kill you maybe!
You just met me, but I know you're strange, so lose my number, and keep the baby!

Offline Milan

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HIiii, I see you are very talented and keep working on that.. it may one day become something really big..

I tried to read it but i didn't understand half of the words so i gave up. Take it as a compliment because its not easy written, have potential... KEEP UP!!!

Offline epicseeker

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HIiii, I see you are very talented and keep working on that.. it may one day become something really big..

I tried to read it but i didn't understand half of the words so i gave up. Take it as a compliment because its not easy written, have potential... KEEP UP!!!

Considering half the words are fictional names of characters and cities, I'll take that as a compliment.

I just met you, but yes I'm strange, I'll trace your number, and kill you maybe!
You just met me, but I know you're strange, so lose my number, and keep the baby!

Offline Milan

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Considering half the words are fictional names of characters and cities, I'll take that as a compliment.

too many descriptive adjectives  for one term so its kinda hard for me to catch up with story... I can but really slow :s Language barrier.
I just wanted to give you support in what you doing

Offline epicseeker

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too many descriptive adjectives  for one term so its kinda hard for me to catch up with story... I can but really slow :s Language barrier.
I just wanted to give you support in what you doing

I was being all Ironical and junk  :normal-3: I know, I use descriptions heavily. But this is why I came to a community of fantasy fans, so I could get some feedback, thanks for yours.

I just met you, but yes I'm strange, I'll trace your number, and kill you maybe!
You just met me, but I know you're strange, so lose my number, and keep the baby!

Offline ☣EvilEye23☣

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Just for reference... THIS is Ysillebor. The Great Dark One.


Oh, wow, neat.

(also fantasy fans? this is a fantasy fan community?)
LightningI—150 wizard
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