Okay c: Soooo I decided to start a story... ( thanks to a friend <3 for my fb page...hehe )It's the first time I'm writing something so big. :C Any tips/remarks or if u notice some mistakes....please tell me <3So here's the first 3 chapters: She was standing there, in her tower, looking on the window waiting for the next "charming prince" to come and make her madly in love then dissappoint her. Amara was just gazing at the full moon with her silver-fox Scar.-Oh my little Scar, it's so boring waiting for people to come and visit me! Maybe we should go out, what ya' think?-Might be a good idea Amara but we didn't go in a while...- I don't care! It's boring! I need to do something interesting..-Then let's go.That's how Amara's journey started. Oh did I forgot to mention something? She's one of the oldest vampires alive...- Amara! Scar! It's been a while guys! You two didn't come to visit me for 5 years, how mean of you!- Hey Jacky! Yea it's been a while, but you didn't come to visit us either! Scar said you forgot about us...- I never did, I'll always remember how you saved me Amara... I can't forget about you, but you never told me where you live...so how could I come visit you when I don't even know where you live?! - Oh right! Being so old like me...you forget stuff sometimes ... haha, I've been living in the old castle.-That old castle that could collapse any minute?! How could you live in it? - It's not so old! I took care of it lately, 5 years only hearing Scar's complaining about not getting enough food... I prefer cleaning than hearing him.- Oi Amara...you know I'm still here, down but I still hear you.- Ah, forgive me Scar, but look since we are back in town let's get you some food. Jacky? Some help please?-Ah...missed you two, let's go to my place.What Amara didn't know is that a new vampire came in town and was ready to make it his new home... This town, Black Forest... it's been Amara's home for more than 1000 years and she have always protected it with her life, even if many of the people don't know what she really is, an 170 cm red haired hottie with one of the most beautiful blue eyes and an amazing smile, an vampire that needs to kill humans to survive. - Hey Jacky! Do you have any alcohol in here?! Haven't drink any in years, I don't even remember it's taste.-If you're checking under my bed you won't ever find it Amara, there's one room called kitchen, check there.-Ah, I thought that you hide it from your guardian, what was his name again...?-I don't need to hide it, anyways he isn't home most of the time and he never notice if some bottles are missing. And his name is Dylan.-Ohhhh, right Dylan... where he is now?- I don't know? Not like I care either, as long as he pays the bills for the house and I have food I don't care what he is doing...-Oh and I thought I'm the heartless one, says Amara playing with a bottle of vodka.-Who said I'm heartless? I just don't care about him... By the way, you never told me, what kind of fox is Scar? He talks... I think I saw him once turning into a human?!-He is cursed. He was once a handsome man who felt in love with the wrong person, a witch cursed him to live forever, \ not as a vampire but as a fox, he can turn into a human but he'll always have his ears and tail. -Ah I see, and you? What happened to you that you became a vampire?-I never told you?! Well it's not an happy story... back then people used to kill witches, my dad suspected that I'm a witch so he banished me from his house. For days I've been wandering around the Black Forest until a witch found me. My wounds wouldn't heal so she used vampire blood on me... after 2 days I died. I don't remember why and what happened after that.-That's sad! Your own dad...-It happened long ago, you don't have to worry about that, now let's get some food for Scar, he'll probably rage at me soon if I don't give him anything. Hey...Jacky?-Yea?-I never told you before...but I think now you're ready to hear the truth, I knew your parents...and I know why they died.-What?! And you never bothered to tell me before?! And you lied! I asked you if you knew them and you said no! Why you lied?!-Jacky calm down...before you judge me let me tell you what really happen... Your family...the Morgan family, it's an old family of witches, but not normal witches, they are known as "The Forest Guardian". The first Morgan was born here and so all the generations since then. The Forest Guardians are the witches who protect the town but they used to live in the forest, that's why they are called so. It's kinda ironic to be honest, your grandmother used to be called "The white which of the Black Forest". But enough about this and more about your parents. They were helping me searching for an nest of vampires who wanted to attack the town... We split, when I found them I tried to make them turn into vampires for you, but they wanted to die as humans...also they made me promise I'll look after you. I'm sorry I couldn't save them Jacky... -So..you're saying now that I'm a witch? And not just an witch...an forest guardian? I never heard of them...-You never heard of them because your family is the only one with those powers Jack. Amara tried to hide it from you so you could live as long as possible as a human but sooner or later the town will need his guardian, says Scar coming in the room, as a human.-Scar? Wow... I never tough you'd look like this as a human. Amara...the vampires who killed my parents...are they still alive?-Just one. He ran when he saw me killing all of them, since then I never heard of him.-Ah I see...-Jacky I know what you thinking of and my answer is no. I won't let you look for him, he is an dangerous vampire and he might be as old as me, I don't want you to get hurt.-You don't want or you can't?! All this time...you've been my friend because you promised my parents? What about the five years when you've been missing?!-You don't have to be an jerk! I don't want to let you. Even if I promised nothing makes me keep the promise, if I wanted I could have left this town long ago, I'm still here because I care about you. I never said I didn't keep an eye on you. Scar was always looking after you... I know everything than happened to you all this time.-And you know that I needed you...and you didn't come back than. -I wanted to, but I also wanted you to live as a human, me in your life isn't a human life!
I already told you my tips in our skype PM's, but here goes again:"" is used if a person/character is saying something- isn't really used to tell someone if they're saying something cause it isn't 100% clear until WHERE they're talking"live forever but not as a vampire but as a fox" would be better if put this way:"live forever, but not as a vampire but as a fox"Some english corrections:What happen to you that you became a vampire?What happened* to you that you became a vampire?
I corrected all of them. :C
"" is used if a person/character is saying something- isn't really used to tell someone if they're saying something cause it isn't 100% clear until WHERE they're talking
You don't want to exasperate GN Sleep
It doesn't flow very well. I mean like using - to make your characters speak isn't going to get you anywhere. You have to be able to use "" instead. (Ex. "I saw her yesterday. She was pretty beat up," Alice explained). It adds more like saying, she explained, as she, walking, etc.
I'd say: "...live forever, not as a vampire but as a fox.." Saying "but" twice is a tad redundant and doesn't flow well at all.I'll try and go through this some other time. That was the only thing that jumped out at me when looking through the replies. ^^