Epic Perfect World

Hoping for a last love...

Offline Elena

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Okay c: Soooo I decided to start a story... ( thanks to a friend <3 for my fb page...hehe )
It's the first time I'm writing something so big. :C Any tips/remarks or if u notice some mistakes....please tell me <3
So here's the first 8 chapters:
Also, these is my fb page where I post them :3 I post them first here if u like and wanna read it faster~ https://www.facebook.com/LikeIdCare
Last Edit: Dec 18, 2013, 11:02 am by Elyღ


Offline Dendoora☆

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  • Characters: Dendoora
Okay c: Soooo I decided to start a story... ( thanks to a friend <3 for my fb page...hehe )
It's the first time I'm writing something so big. :C Any tips/remarks or if u notice some mistakes....please tell me <3
So here's the first 3 chapters:
I already told you my tips in our skype PM's, but here goes again:

"" is used if a person/character is saying something
- isn't really used to tell someone if they're saying something cause it isn't 100% clear until WHERE they're talking

"live forever but not as a vampire but as a fox" would be better if put this way:
"live forever, but not as a vampire but as a fox"

Some english corrections:
What happen to you that you became a vampire?
What happened* to you that you became a vampire?

Offline Elena

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I already told you my tips in our skype PM's, but here goes again:

"" is used if a person/character is saying something
- isn't really used to tell someone if they're saying something cause it isn't 100% clear until WHERE they're talking

"live forever but not as a vampire but as a fox" would be better if put this way:
"live forever, but not as a vampire but as a fox"

Some english corrections:
What happen to you that you became a vampire?
What happened* to you that you became a vampire?
I corrected all of them. :C


Offline Dendoora☆

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  • Characters: Dendoora
I corrected all of them. :C
Then you only didn't correct
"" is used if a person/character is saying something
- isn't really used to tell someone if they're saying something cause it isn't 100% clear until WHERE they're talking

Offline Elena

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Added 2 more chapter. c:


Offline PlumSauce

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It doesn't flow very well. I mean like using - to make your characters speak isn't going to get you anywhere. You have to be able to use "" instead. (Ex. "I saw her yesterday. She was pretty beat up," Alice explained). It adds more like saying, she explained, as she, walking, etc.
Xtra - 135 Mystic
I have no time for idiots who don't respect my awesomeness -3-

Offline Sleep

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I already told you my tips in our skype PM's, but here goes again:

"" is used if a person/character is saying something
- isn't really used to tell someone if they're saying something cause it isn't 100% clear until WHERE they're talking

"live forever but not as a vampire but as a fox" would be better if put this way:
"live forever, but not as a vampire but as a fox"

Some english corrections:
What happen to you that you became a vampire?
What happened* to you that you became a vampire?

I'd say: "...live forever, not as a vampire but as a fox.." Saying "but" twice is a tad redundant and doesn't flow well at all.

I'll try and go through this some other time. That was the only thing that jumped out at me when looking through the replies. ^^


You don't want to exasperate GN Sleep  :pig-11: :pig-37:

Offline Nicolle

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Nope

Offline Elena

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It doesn't flow very well. I mean like using - to make your characters speak isn't going to get you anywhere. You have to be able to use "" instead. (Ex. "I saw her yesterday. She was pretty beat up," Alice explained). It adds more like saying, she explained, as she, walking, etc.
It's the first time I'm planning to write something so big so I'll learn in time, I'm used with - not with "" but i'll try to use '''' from the next chapter xD ( tough... I'm already at chapter 13  :'( )
I'd say: "...live forever, not as a vampire but as a fox.." Saying "but" twice is a tad redundant and doesn't flow well at all.

I'll try and go through this some other time. That was the only thing that jumped out at me when looking through the replies. ^^

Yea I noticed that too when I reread it so I can continue writing '-' I think i edited it on fb and was lazy to edit here too... so much writing  :'(
Last Edit: Dec 18, 2013, 11:00 am by Elyღ


Offline Elena

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