Epic Perfect World

Work in Progress

So, last night instead of sleeping, I started writing. Now, it's not much but.. Anyway, so the thing is, I want to write about her being some kind of mystical creature, so any ideas would be gladly appreciated.

Any CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is welcomed with open arms. I kind of like the beginning, but I'll google up on some mythical creature and try to continue. (:

As I woke up, I groaned. Another day of having to pretend to be normal again. I couldn't help but wonder how long it's going to take before others finds out. How long before I burst with the truth. So far, I managed to keep quiet about it, not even telling my best friend, Leslie. But every day I wake up dreading the day the truth is revealed, dreading the day people will look at me like I'm some kind of freak. Maybe I am. Not one day goes by without me thinking I am. I'm 16 now, as of a month ago, and that's when everything started to happen.

Thanks for reading and all the criticism. (:

Offline Nightstalk

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What the *** are you on about?

Offline PlumSauce

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So, last night instead of sleeping, I started writing. Now, it's not much but.. Anyway, so the thing is, I want to write about her being some kind of mystical creature, so any ideas would be gladly appreciated.

Any CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is welcomed with open arms. I kind of like the beginning, but I'll google up on some mythical creature and try to continue. (:

As I woke up, I groaned. Another day of having to pretend to be normal again. I couldn't help but wonder how long it's going to take before others finds out. How long before I burst with the truth. So far, I managed to keep quiet about it, not even telling my best friend, Leslie. But every day I wake up dreading the day the truth is revealed, dreading the day people will look at me like I'm some kind of freak. Maybe I am. Not one day goes by without me thinking I am. I'm 16 now, as of a month ago, and that's when everything started to happen.

Thanks for reading and all the criticism. (:
Sounds like that movie "Beautiful Creatures". Not original i'm sorry. Just isn't original -.-
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I have no time for idiots who don't respect my awesomeness -3-

Offline Kaleidoscope

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Sounds like that movie "Beautiful Creatures". Not original i'm sorry. Just isn't original -.-

Oh, well then. Pot, meet Kettle.

Offline Sleep

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You don't want to exasperate GN Sleep  :pig-11: :pig-37:

Offline Kaleidoscope

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As I woke up, I groaned. Another day of having to pretend to be normal again. I couldn't help but wonder how long it's going to take before others finds out. How long before I burst with the truth. So far, I managed to keep quiet about it, not even telling my best friend, Leslie. But every day I wake up dreading the day the truth is revealed, dreading the day people will look at me like I'm some kind of freak. Maybe I am. Not one day goes by without me thinking I am. I'm 16 now, as of a month ago, and that's when everything started to happen.

There are a few errors with sentence structure/syntax, but it's not bad. I've fixed a few parts where the syntax or grammar was off. Most of what I changed is personal preference to give it more depth and make it flow better.

As I woke up, I groaned. Another day of having to pretend to be normal still. I couldn't help but wonder how long *it was going to take before other people found out. How long before I burst with the truth? I've managed to keep quiet about it, so far — not even telling my best friend, Leslie. Yet every day I wake up dreading the day that the truth is revealed, the day people will look at me as if I'm some kind of freak. *Who knows? Maybe I am. Not a day goes by where I don't think I am, anyway. I'm 16 now, as of a month ago. That's when everything started to happen.

You might also want to try:
- "how long it will be before other people find out" -- adding a bit more to that part like "that I've been keeping a secret" etcetc, something to give it depth. Though if you do that, you'll need to change the tense of the other words in the sentence
- Splitting the "I've managed to keep quiet about it" sentence into two parts, making the second sentence "I haven't even told Leslie, my best friend. . ." follow it up with a small detail like how long they've been friends or that the narrator tells her everything etc, etc.

'-' That's all I got.

Offline HellishKitty

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There are a few errors with sentence structure/syntax, but it's not bad. I've fixed a few parts where the syntax or grammar was off. Most of what I changed is personal preference to give it more depth and make it flow better.

As I woke up, I groaned. Another day of having to pretend to be normal still. I couldn't help but wonder how long *it was going to take before other people found out. How long before I burst with the truth? I've managed to keep quiet about it, so far — not even telling my best friend, Leslie. Yet every day I wake up dreading the day that the truth is revealed, the day people will look at me as if I'm some kind of freak. *Who knows? Maybe I am. Not a day goes by where I don't think I am, anyway. I'm 16 now, as of a month ago. That's when everything started to happen.

You might also want to try:
- "how long it will be before other people find out" -- adding a bit more to that part like "that I've been keeping a secret" etcetc, something to give it depth. Though if you do that, you'll need to change the tense of the other words in the sentence
- Splitting the "I've managed to keep quiet about it" sentence into two parts, making the second sentence "I haven't even told Leslie, my best friend. . ." follow it up with a small detail like how long they've been friends or that the narrator tells her everything etc, etc.

'-' That's all I got.



well damn o_o only thing u should probaly listen to is ^...sounds like a english teacher

Offline ☣EvilEye23☣

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Oh, well then. Pot, meet Kettle.


well damn o_o only thing u should probaly listen to is ^...sounds like a english teacher

 :-X Good luck on your story, OP.  :smiley:
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Totami

better then twilight ;o

good one  ;D

Offline ☣EvilEye23☣

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better then twilight ;o

good one  ;D
Very harsh.

Everything is better than Twilight.

Probably.

//sorry offtopic//
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Offline PlumSauce

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Very harsh.

Everything is better than Twilight.

Probably.

//sorry offtopic//
Naw. ALMOST everything. You forgot social dance. Social dance = shit. You cannot enjoy it and it is worse than Twilight.

There are a few errors with sentence structure/syntax, but it's not bad. I've fixed a few parts where the syntax or grammar was off. Most of what I changed is personal preference to give it more depth and make it flow better.

As I woke up, I groaned. Another day of having to pretend to be normal still. I couldn't help but wonder how long *it was going to take before other people found out. How long before I burst with the truth? I've managed to keep quiet about it, so far — not even telling my best friend, Leslie. Yet every day I wake up dreading the day that the truth is revealed, the day people will look at me as if I'm some kind of freak. *Who knows? Maybe I am. Not a day goes by where I don't think I am, anyway. I'm 16 now, as of a month ago. That's when everything started to happen.

You might also want to try:
- "how long it will be before other people find out" -- adding a bit more to that part like "that I've been keeping a secret" etcetc, something to give it depth. Though if you do that, you'll need to change the tense of the other words in the sentence
- Splitting the "I've managed to keep quiet about it" sentence into two parts, making the second sentence "I haven't even told Leslie, my best friend. . ." follow it up with a small detail like how long they've been friends or that the narrator tells her everything etc, etc.

'-' That's all I got.

Just a suggestion but "Another day of having to pretend to be normal still" Doesn't really sound correct. Again sounds a bit better than still. So maybe "Another day of pretending to be normal again," may be better?
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I have no time for idiots who don't respect my awesomeness -3-

Offline 엔젤ღ

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make her a mermaid, then i read huehue

#mermaid4life
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yaoi<3

Offline ☣EvilEye23☣

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Naw. ALMOST everything. You forgot social dance. Social dance = shit. You cannot enjoy it and it is worse than Twilight.
Just a suggestion but "Another day of having to pretend to be normal still" Doesn't really sound correct. Again sounds a bit better than still. So maybe "Another day of pretending to be normal again," may be better?

Twilight is worse.
I don't care. Social dance sucks. Twilight is worse. Twilight is the most horrid thing ever that should never have been written. Or made a movie of.


My suggestion, once I reread that, is err, "Yet another day of having to pretend to be normal."...
I don't know, all suggestions for the line are valid I suppose.
 :-[

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Offline Kewee

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Twilight is worse.
I don't care. Social dance sucks. Twilight is worse. Twilight is the most horrid thing ever that should never have been written. Or made a movie of.


My suggestion, once I reread that, is err, "Yet another day of having to pretend to be normal."...
I don't know, all suggestions for the line are valid I suppose.
 :-[
I heard twilight books were good and the movies really destroyed it. But I don't know.