@Evil: Thank you tons, i kinda noticed that but didnt quite know how to fix it. Looking at your corrections i think i can fix that for chapter 3, and when i have more time go back and re-proofread the rest. I appreciate the feedback and help:).
Really good writing.Now for the nitpicking. ;w; Quote, "The excited barbarian quickly ran to the Luminance Supply Shop to grab some armor and a weapon. Both sets of equipment were not the best but will suffice.". You've used a different tense I believe...I think..pprolly..erm, "were, ran", etc., past tense.."will" is present tense..maybe "Would"?"What looked miniscule at a distance is actually astonishingly big." looked=past tense, "is" = more present tense."A long walk and a longer flight have left me tired – I yawned and looked behind me on the right side, no one." "Have" is present tense, "Looked" is past tense, doesn't fit. ;w; maybe "had"?Also possibly proofread the rest for tense errors, since thats as far as I can find with a sleepy foggy brain. ;w;Half my corrects are probably wrong or something..I think their right, but what the heck, I'm not a pro writer, I'm just a kid. ;w;Edit: Here's some more possible stuffs kay. Sorry if I made any mistakes. My brain feels foggy but here I go."“Thanks for the pleasant walk friend,” I replied sarcastically.".I think you could maybe use a comma between "walk", and "friend"? "Thanks for the pleasant walk, friend,".? It doesn't seem to flow quite nicely the way it is."He turned briefly, sneered and walked on. It is quite obvious that I'm not welcome here; I knew I had to watch my back and stay attentive. ". In the first line, all is past tense, in the second, your starting with some present tense and then your going to past tense again. :/ I'm pretty sure thats umm not correct. "It is quite obvious that I'm not welcome here" is present tense I believe, maybe something like "It was quite obvious that I was not welcome there; I knew I had to watch my back and stay attentive"." “Any attempt to move, or fight, and I will slit your throat, nod that you understand.”" Possibly try using, "Nod if you understand." instead of "that"? I think it sounds more natural. (This applies for the same line, "Nod that you understand", that you use again later in the passage.“Good, now that I have your attention, you probably have a few questions.". Maybe put a period like this: "Good. Now that I have your attention, you probably have a few questions." I think it might flow a bit better?“ We follow the details our employers’ layout for us to the word, as well as tie up any loose ends that we come across. "Maybe "Lay out" instead of "layout"?"Her stench infiltrated my nostrils like they infiltrate buildings."Not totally sure on this one, but the last part sounds kind of..un flowing, not that..ehh... Anywaays. Maybe..umm.."Her stench infiltrated my nostrils, like how they infiltrated the buildings."?Also, another thing, maybe maybe try replacing some of your ";" with "and", "then", etc.. I think it could possibly help flow.Yea, updated wew. You'll have to find some more yourself, I'm so tired gah. (=ヮ=)೨If you want I can proofread again when I get some sleep.;w; I don't know how effective I am, though.