It all started when our predictably heroic protagonist, Holy CotD God zFlashx, woke up in a swamp. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling scarcely pleased, Holy CotD God zFlashx backhanded a wolverine, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Giggling like schoolgirl, he realized that his beloved The Holy Dagger was missing! Immediately he called his enemy in training, Holy APS God Gakido. Holy CotD God zFlashx had known Holy APS God Gakido for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were flamboyant ones. Holy APS God Gakido was unique. He was clever though sometimes a little... insensitive. Holy CotD God zFlashx called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Holy APS God Gakido picked up to a very unhappy Holy CotD God zFlashx. Holy APS God Gakido calmly assured him that most man-eating capybaras sigh before mating, yet albino cats usually charismatically turn red *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Holy CotD God zFlashx. Why was Holy APS God Gakido trying to distract Holy CotD God zFlashx? Because he had snuck out from Holy CotD God zFlashx's with the The Holy Dagger only five days prior. It was a enchanting little The Holy Dagger... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Holy CotD God zFlashx got back to the subject at hand: his The Holy Dagger. Holy APS God Gakido sneezed. Relunctantly, Holy APS God Gakido invited him over, assuring him they'd find the The Holy Dagger. Holy CotD God zFlashx grabbed his whale and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Holy APS God Gakido realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the The Holy Dagger and he had to do it recklessly. He figured that if Holy CotD God zFlashx took the neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket, he had take at least ten minutes before Holy CotD God zFlashx would get there. But if he took the fish wings? Then Holy APS God Gakido would be barely screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Holy APS God Gakido was interrupted by seven dimwitted stabby fishs that were lured by his The Holy Dagger. Holy APS God Gakido grimaced; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling pleased, he thoughtfully reached for his live hand grenade and recklessly groped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the lemur-infested moor, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the fish wings rolling up. It was Holy CotD God zFlashx.
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of ninja stars, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, Holy CotD God zFlashx was out of the fish wings and went charismatically jaunting toward Holy APS God Gakido's front door. Meanwhile inside, Holy APS God Gakido was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the The Holy Dagger into a box of dull pencils and then slid the box behind his George Foreman grill. Holy APS God Gakido was puzzled but at least the The Holy Dagger was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Holy APS God Gakido earnestly purred. With a heroic push, Holy CotD God zFlashx opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid flaming idiot in a magic flying carpet,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Holy APS God Gakido assured him. Holy CotD God zFlashx took a seat just perfectly far from where Holy APS God Gakido had hidden the The Holy Dagger. Holy APS God Gakido yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Holy CotD God zFlashx was distracted. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Holy APS God Gakido noticed a stupid look on Holy CotD God zFlashx's face. Holy CotD God zFlashx slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Holy APS God Gakido felt a stabbing pain in his double chin when Holy CotD God zFlashx asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the The Holy Dagger right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A selfish look started to form on Holy CotD God zFlashx's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatos from when she used to have pet albino cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Holy CotD God zFlashx nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Holy APS God Gakido could react, Holy CotD God zFlashx deftly lunged toward the box and opened it. The The Holy Dagger was plainly in view.
Holy CotD God zFlashx stared at Holy APS God Gakido for what what must've been three days. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, Holy APS God Gakido groped exotically in Holy CotD God zFlashx's direction, clearly desperate. Holy CotD God zFlashx grabbed the The Holy Dagger and bolted for the door. It was locked. Holy APS God Gakido let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Holy CotD God zFlashx,' he rebuked. Holy APS God Gakido always had been a little stupid, so Holy CotD God zFlashx knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Holy APS God Gakido did something crazy, like... start chucking dangerous oil-soaked rags at him or something. A few unfulfilled decades later, he gripped his The Holy Dagger tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Holy APS God Gakido looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Holy CotD God zFlashx. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame five days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Holy CotD God zFlashx. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Holy APS God Gakido walked over to the window and looked down. Holy CotD God zFlashx was gone.
Just yonder, Holy CotD God zFlashx was struggling to make his way through the imaginery desert behind Holy APS God Gakido's place. Holy CotD God zFlashx had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral stabby fishs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the The Holy Dagger. One by one they latched on to Holy CotD God zFlashx. Already weakened from his injury, Holy CotD God zFlashx yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of stabby fishs running off with his The Holy Dagger.
But then God came down with His attractive smile and restored Holy CotD God zFlashx's The Holy Dagger. Feeling pleased, God smote the stabby fishs for their injustice. Then He got in His rice rocket and dashed away with the fortitude of 1.2 billion spotted wolf hamsters running from a enormous pack of spotted wolf hamsters. Holy CotD God zFlashx flipped with joy when he saw this. His The Holy Dagger was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in two minutes his favorite TV show, The zFlashxDPW show, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When long-haired sea monkeys meet contraceptive'). Holy CotD God zFlashx was contented. And so, everyone except Holy APS God Gakido and a few gun-toting Indonesian devil cats lived blissfully happy, forever after.
